I know exactly what you mean: one of the first fantasy trilogies that I read featured: a heroine who was intelligent and good with children; male and female characters who were good at fighting and some who weren't especially good at fighting but were still valued in the defence of the country; male and female characters in power; prejudice portrayed as present but both wrong and bad for the country; at least one homosexual relationship among main characters and some in 'history'; characters who loved sex, (young, admirable) characters who would rather have an academic position than a serious romance, teenage fumblings, and the aftermath of rape and sexual abuse by a father figure. That was a bit of a revelation at the age of twelve: the issues weren't treated in much depth, but it was a far cry from both 'standard' teenage fiction and the (mostly male) quest sort of fantasy. The friend from whom I borrowed the books still has a set: they're extremely well read and dogeared - and they're the replacement volumes.

Oh, and I forgot to say yesterday, assorted debates on fantasy and female heroines are linked to on whileaway, which is an interesting community in itself.